by Judas Ere Alisdyan
Let me get this off my sagging chest. I hate Top Gear magazine columnists. Come to think of it, hate doesn’t really describe what I think of those menaces on pen & paper. They violate all rules of responsible journalism known to man. They weave sinister plots and assumptions, at times going against the flow of logic and good sense. They are all color blind-they can’t distinguish a green Kawi from a red Ducati, from a yellow XRM.
They think nothing of writing whatever they want under the sun, on the sidewalk, on a desk, at their computer, by the gutter or street. They will try to squeeze through their thoughts, regardless of consequences, just to get attention. They write anywhere they can write on; they would probably write on a pole or fence if they ran out of paper. They are noisy, especially those with modified mouths… i.e. blabber nonsense and BS rebutals to a growing article controversy that they approved and did not bother to edit.
Why do I deplore them? Maybe because they get away with it. Their Editors-in-Chiefs and those so-called responsible Top Gear publishing enforcers ignore their columnist’s flagrant violations of responsible, sensible journalism. As if being a Top Gear columnist exempts writers from regulations meant to establish objectivity and sensibility on their magazine sheets.
It doesn’t matter whether they are writing about puny scooters with 50cc engines made in China or about 1,000cc-plus Ducatis or Harleys. Their Editors just wave them by as they beat their deadlines.
Okay, envy may also come into it. Oops… scratch that. I am not envious at all of these morons (I’d rather be going past traffic gridlock with gorgeous babes in tight pants and tiny tops clinging to them). What’s this attraction for men who are able to write schmuck articles anyway with power ballpens-no matter how big or tiny-between their legs?
What I hate most is that their numbers are rising every day, exponentially. Top Gear Philippines is, I suppose, proud of what they have achieved and looks to expanding their readership base to more than a million! (wow!) Other magazines are moving in the same direction but luckily for these other magazines, they don’t have schmuck writers like Top Gear. And then there are the made-in-whatever rip-off writers that write on just about any topic from the corner, about motorcycles in urban areas from Aparri to Jolo. And don’t you just hate those dirty, ugly-looking columnists they have sprouting their bull-headed and pig-headed likeness in every barangay?
I can understand the growing popularity of Top Gear. They’re cheap to buy, easy to read, use and throw away after coming out from the toilet, especially in these days of spiraling toilet paper costs and prices. They give the minimum wage earners the mobility of reading about the middle-class car-owning folk at a time when even bus and jeepney drivers far enjoy reading FHM and the like. Even car owners are turning to this Top Gear mag as their daily read for the day at work, at home and at motels… relegating their toilet paper rolls for Sundays, weekend reads or countryside jaunts.
But does every other Top Gear columnist have to write about bikes? Top Gear columnists are infesting wrong ideas in the streets about small barkadas bonded by the smell of fumes and grease between their legs to large groups of scooter-riding Hell’s Angels wannabes with their faux leather vests and helmets bought from street-corner hawkers.
Don’t you just hate it when you read about a writer who doesn’t, cannot appreciate the roar of big bike engines chasing him on the highway on weekends, and then get overtaken by a horde of scooters with mufflers modified to sound like Ducatis? Or being forced to brake hard to save his stupid life because some bike dragster on dark nights on Diosdado Macapagal Boulevard recognized his face as one of the schmuck writers of Top Gear and decided to throw a rock at his car?
I realize that the allure of writing satirical articles by Top Gear columnists is more than just the economy of it. Top Gear columnists I suppose have always been associated with the Born to be Lame stuff ever since Alfred Hitchcock starred in his own film back in the days when movies were in black and white.
But please, we can’t all look like Mon Tulfo or even dream of being like Max Solliven, especially not writing around trying desperately to be satirical, in a faux magazine like Top Gear with the crappy editorial team and heart of steel attitudes they have. Okay, you can dream, but don’t think that a writer or columnist for Top Gear Philippines is an excuse to break basic journalism etiquette, fair play, objectivity and responsiblity or to endanger the lives of other motorists (like bikers) on the road by suggesting that it is open season to “snag” them. We already have a lot of dangerous-because they are ignorant or just plian reckless and irresponsible-writers and columnists using their pen & paper to wreak havoc in our society.
I am ashamed to admit it but I sometimes feel a twinge of enjoyment reading about (maybe in the future) Top Gear columnists getting creamed in assasinations and ambushes-mostly killed, mind you, not just injured, preferably with a bullet in their head (not just a broken bone or two) so they will be off the streets and no longer be a danger to others permanently because of their idiotic articles that merely inflame others or encourage the idiots out there to snag bikers.
I usually take the side of the commuter who opens the door of an FX shuttle and snags a columnist from Top Gear writing on the gutter side of the street, or on the sidewalk where they shouln’t be at all (because they are too engrossed with their own arrogance that they fail to notice where they are writing).
If Top Gear columnists have to form editorial staffs, teams or clubs, then it should be to organize legal fess and attorney claims, in the court of law, since most likely one of these days someone might just decide to sue them for their stupidity.
Otherwise, I dread the day when Top Gear’s prediction-that the Philippines will become a multi-million magazine market (their’s) a year-comes true. In the future, I fear I may be doing some snaggin and snippin myself-wittingly or not, if I happen to come across one of these Top Gear columnists or editors.
Disclaimer: the author expressly forewarns the reading public that his article is merely satirical in nature… and that no real offense, threat, blatant disrespect, nor physical harm is meant in any way nor means to the columnists, editors and writers of Top Gear magazine. The author further emphasizes that this article is meant as a wake-up call to the editors of Top Gear and by no means is it mean to insult their good name.
**reprinted from the original thread by MCP member Mashimaro in the MCP Forum**