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Mercedes-Benz S350
Supercalifragilistic
It isn't every day you get to drive a car with more technology than a gadgets store. Vernon B. Sarne meets one and feels like an imbecile
Photography by Jaykee Evangelista & Joel Paz
Ever since I first saw a talking black Pontiac Trans Am that interacted with its leather-clad driver and rescued him whenever his life was in danger, I have been waiting for the day when people could actually buy a smart-ass car like that. It's still a long way off. Or it may never even happen. But we're getting close.
I say that because I recently met a car that boasted more wits than half our senators combined. On second thought, the comparison is insulting to the car, so my apologies to it.
I can still remember the first time I laid eyes on the Mercedes-Benz S350 that CATS Motors graciously delivered to our office. It was in the basement parking of our building, transient home to hundreds of run-of-the-mill vehicles daily.
Because the S-Class sold here is the 5,206-millimeter long-wheelbase version, the car proudly protruded out of its slot, all the more rubbing in the fact that it was head and shoulders above the other cars around it. I certainly wasn't used to seeing an automobile of the S-Class's, um, class sitting in our parking area, even if a commercial mall was situated above it.
No, this car seemed to exclusively belong to golf courses, embassies, yacht clubs, upscale neighborhoods—not mall parking lots. You don't bring an S-Class to fetch your groceries, because heaven forbid the driver of the dilapidated AUV next to you would miscalculate his turning point. A car with a price tag that starts at P7.5 million is simply not an everyday car.
But the S350 was there right in front of me, awaiting my next move as I reached for the fashionable key inside the pocket of my very unfashionable pants. I wasn't sure if I wanted a friend to see me with this car. One part of me felt like bragging around, but another part knew there was a good chance I'd be dismissed as a mere chauffeur with the kind of clothes I was in.
But then, I am of the opinion that even if you wore a coat and a tie and you drove the S-Class, you'd still be mistaken for a chauffeur. A highly paid one, but a chauffeur nonetheless. That's because the sheer heft and size of this luxury sedan dictates that you sit at the back if you're the owner. It just doesn't look like a driver's car.
The first time you get inside the S350, you have no choice but to observe a rather long pause and silence. I know that's what I did. The sensation of being cosseted in such a plush environment was overwhelming. Put a modern-looking center console into the mix, and my reluctance was not an entirely weird response to the situation.
Faced with this major and extravagant production number, I literally froze and then groped for the owner's manual inside the glove compartment. When I got hold of the manual, it turned out to be nearly as thick as an encyclopedia volume I had enormously disliked as a kid. No thanks. I felt that if I had to do that much reading, I'd rather that I spent it on Nick Hornby or Jane Austen.
What the heck, surely this thing wouldn't swallow me alive. So off I went, never mind if I didn't know what the two-thirds of the buttons and controls were there for.
As expected—though with a pinch of anxiety—I managed to bring the S350 out of the basement parking in one piece. My confidence was definitely coming back.
Immediately noticeable was the fact that the car felt as humongous as it looked. I had driven an equally titanic BMW 7-Series, and it had felt like a nimble midsize sedan. With the S-Class, I was acutely aware that I was steering a car with oversized dimensions. Hence, my constant mindfulness of the car's glossy and bulging fender flares.
The S350, as you might guess from its cognomen, is powered by a 3.5-liter gasoline engine, which is V6. If its 272 horses and 350 Newton-meters of torque seem “paltry” to you, you may opt for the hulking S500 with a V8 that ups the ante to 382hp and 530Nm. That's assuming you can spare another three million bucks, of course.
The engine's power is harnessed by the world's first standard seven-speed automatic transmission, which Mercedes calls 7G-Tronic. (Five-speed automatic is so last week.) More gears naturally translate to smoother, more linear shifts.
Another thing worth noticing was how this car commanded attention. I sliced through traffic and people fell into a trance. In terms of its ability to project images of ill-gotten wealth—er, prestige and success—this car has no equal.
The S-Class's COMAND system is the center of its intelligence. Basically, it's a convenient all-in-one manager of the car's essential functions. With it, you can fiddle with navigation (for countries that have a working navsat service), audio, telephone, video and, most importantly, the vehicle itself.
In 'vehicle' mode, the COMAND system displays an exterior likeness of the car on a dashboard monitor, informing you of the things that are happening in the car as well as around it. You'll know, for instance, if a pedestrian is standing too close to the car, because it will send off an intermittent alarm and show on the monitor which outer part of the vehicle is flirting with a dent.
| S350 |
| We say: Only K.I.T.T. of Knight Rider fame is brainier than this car, but he’s fictitious. And he partnered Hasselhoff. |
Price: From P7.5M
Engine: 3.5L V6
Power: 272hp
Torque: 350Nm
Transmission: 7-speed AT
Layout/Seating: RWD/5
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Back up and the monitor will project real-time video taken by the rear camera. If, in spite of this feature, you still manage to kiss a tree while reversing, your driver's license ought to be revoked.
Let's no longer waste space on the S350's safety features—they're countless. It certainly felt like I couldn't possibly stupefy myself enough to wreck this car. Not that I tried, of course.
Driving is about being in control. The thing about driving this car is that you fear you are not really in control—that it is so intelligent it just fools you into thinking you somehow are.
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Top Gear Philippines - December 2006
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