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BMW Z4 Coupe 3.0si
Bad, bad, bad... really bad
If there's a car built for sin, Vernon B. Sarne thinks he's driven it. He has never broken so many hearts by just getting behind the wheel.
Photography by Alfred Mendoza
Some things blatantly exist to help you live a sinful life. Like a porn magazine, for instance. Or a deck of playing cards. Well, that depends on whom you ask. You could ask Erap and he'd probably tell you that playing cards are as harmless as a hardbound copy of the Holy Bible.
And then there are things that are seemingly incapable of spurring you to commit a sin.
I lump automobiles in this group. Unless, of course, you ask environmentalists, who'll be more than glad to point out that gas-guzzling cars are evil. Then again, environmentalists and their ilk rail against just about anything. And that's because they'd lose their funding if they stayed quiet.
But really, what could possibly be so reprobate about cars? These cute sheet-metal contraptions innocently bring us to places. That's all they do. If anything, they're helpful. But sinful? I beg to disagree.
Then one day I took the BMW Z4 Coupe home. Oh, boy...
When I was about nine, I first encountered the phrase "a body made for sin." No, I didn't learn about it in my social studies textbook. I came across the phrase in a curious-looking reading material my father was keeping under the bed. The name of this educational piece of literature escapes me now, but I remember it had a big-breasted Valerie Perrine on the cover wearing a shirt with a rabbit logo printed on her cleavage.
A body made for sin. Think about it for one sec. It means it's designed to lead you astray and make you embrace a life of iniquity. Its sole reason for being is to pull you toward the dark side of the force. And that's exactly what the Z4 Coupe does.
A car like this looks mean in whatever color. Heck, coat it with apple green—throw in polka dots for good measure—and it would still look menacing. And BMW had to lend me one in black of all colors. Do you have any idea what a black Z4 Coupe looks like in the flesh? When I fetched the car from its parking slot, I got my personal answer to this question. A black Z4 Coupe looks like Leonardo DiCaprio and Darth Vader rolled into one. It's both drop-dead gorgeous and unnervingly intimidating, both pleasantly smooth and sexually brutish.
One glance is all you need to comprehend what it must feel like to be a certified heartthrob on the one hand and a fearsome mob bosson the other. If you ever feel the need to make your boring life colorful, get a BMW Z4 Coupe. I guarantee you won't clock five kilometers before your world drowns in a sea of psychedelic hues. I didn't even reach the first block in my case: A group of girls was already smiling at me by the curb-side after I emerged from BMW's showroom. Imagine my next four days with this Beemer. Let's just say I'd never had so many female acquaintances ask to be driven, either home or elsewhere.
It was tempting to think they swooned at me. But it was probably just the Z4 Coupe's roof. Yes, the hard top.
You see, this coupe version was launched just last year. The original roadster—featuring a power-operated but wimpy-looking soft top—predated it by four years. In all those four years, BMW chief designer Chris Bangle heard all sorts of unkind words thrown his way in reaction to the Z4 Roadster's weird proportions and his so-called flame surfacing. Indeed, I didn't get an adoring stare whenever I drove it out of town, even with the top down. If there were people looking, it was probably because they were wondering why someone would want to inhale the fumes of dilapidated buses on our highways.
But Bangle has attached a roof and the Z4 is suddenly a totally new car. It's incredible what a mere roof can do. I used to laugh at the absurdity of Lois Lane not recognizing Superman with a pair of eyeglasses on. Then I laid my eyes on the Z4 Coupe and all traces of the plain-looking Z4 Roadster in my memory bank were gone. Amazing. This jaw-dropping beauty had been there all along, just waiting to be unveiled with the mere use of a metal roof.
If you're beginning to sense that this test report is mostly about the car's exterior looks, you're absolutely right. The Z4 Coupe's ultimate selling point is its styling. You're not paying P4.72 million for the car's double VANOS technology or its active knee protection or its dynamic driving control or even its run-flat tires. Make no mistake about it: You're coughing up this stupendous amount for a chance to turn heads and make girls sigh. If you're buying this car for all the excellent driving dynamics that BMW has always been known for, you're better off with a cheaper 3-Series.
First of all, the ride is on the harsh side. It's even stiffer compared to the roadster's. It's good on the highway, sure. But on regular Metro Manila roads, where humps and potholes are as common as mobile phones, you'll tire of the experience after a while. Drive this daily to work and you'd have to visit the spa every other night just to relax your nerves.
Second, the cabin is cramped. I am not particularly huge and neither am I tall, but I almost developed claustrophobia inside the Z4 Coupe. The seat's height-adjustment feature does wonders for the headroom, but your legs and elbows would always feel constrained. That this is a two-seater also means only one passenger can tag along with you. If you're buying this car, your wife had better be petite.
I don't fault the trunk space, however. Able to gobble up 300 liters of stuff, the boot is actually commendable for a sports coupe. Besides, you don't really expect to transport cargo in a sports car, do you? If you purchase a Z4, I imagine you're someone who would be looking to fill the trunk with just beer. That's a lot of liters of booze right there.
Third, the 3.0-liter DOHC 24-valve in-line-six engine of the Z4 Coupe 3.0si is average. Even when harnessing the full potential of its 255hp output and 298Nm torque, it's not exactly overwhelming. It doesn't bury you in the seat like you expect it to. It's powerful and ready, but not as robust as you picture a proper BMW sports-car engine to be. Perhaps that's a role better played by the Z4 M Coupe engine. Available by special order, the Z4 M Coupe makes things livelier with 343 horses.
| Z4 Coupe 3.0si |
| We say: It's sporty but very uncomfortable. It's not for claustrophobics or those who hate wrinkles on their clothes. |
Price: P4,720,000
Engine: 3.0L in-line 6-cylinder
Power: 255hp
Torque: 298Nm
Transmission: 6-speed A/T
Layout/Seating: RWD/2
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OK, so the handling is superb. This car makes ordinary trips feel like fast laps around a racetrack. It grips more tenaciously than our mayors hold on to their posts. And that's saying a lot, because that means there's a greater chance a Metro Manila mayor would give way to a more qualified rival than you'd lose the plot on a fast corner in the Z4 Coupe. Which is another way of saying it will never happen.
Still, I maintain that the chief and perhaps only reason you should get this car is for its ability to make you sinfully irresistible. The ladies can always repent after the ride.
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Top Gear Philippines - July 2007
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