Dear person behind the wheel,
Thanks for driving me around. No, really. I appreciate the time you're taking to help me reach my destination. I know braving the roads is tough and tiring, so I commend your efforts.
That said, you think you could do me one more favor? I hate to impose. But some of your driving habits are, well...mildly annoying. Actually, really annoying. They're driving me nuts. I'm this close to punching a hole through the glove compartment. Keep going, and my fist might hit something (or someone) else.
Okay, okay, I don't want to seem like I'm ungrateful. But I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that your driving habits can really grind someone's gears (no pun intended). Which habits am I talking about? Here they are. If you could put and end to the following, then we'll both have a much nicer time.
1) Herky-jerky braking.
Want to know what I had for lunch? Great, just ask me, but I don’t think you really want to see it come back up again. Ease up on the brake pedal, if you don't mind.
2) Braking too late.
But by all means, do use your brake pedal. Preferably from a safe distance. See those soft drinks bottles in the delivery truck in front of us? I can almost read their nutritional contents. I shouldn't be able to.
3) Driving way too slow on an open road.
So let me get this straight: You'll fight tooth and nail for an extra inch of space in gridlock, risking a possible accident, but you'll cruise at 20kph on an open road because you're ogling Anne Curtis's many, many billboards? Yeah, okay. Makes sense.
4) Looking at me while you’re talking.
Do I look like the road? Or Anne Curtis, for that matter? Eyes front, soldier.
5) Texting/Instagramming/Checking your feed.
Seriously dude, can you just concentrate on driving?
6) Waving your hands like you're LeBron defending a jumper.
Notice how you're resting your hand on top of the wheel, but you keep moving it back and forth to check the speedometer? Here's an idea: Why not place your hands at 10 and 3? That way, you don't have to keep making those irritating hand gestures. Yeah, that'd be great.
7) Using your horn too much.
I am driver, hear me roar! Okay, I get why you honked at that car who didn't see you crossing the intersection. But why are you blaring your horn when the car in front hasn't moved for a green light after half a second?
8) Your zig-zaggy ways.
Are we turning right? Going straight? Making a U-turn? Constantly switching lanes isn't going to help us get there any faster. Neither will stopping in the middle of an intersection because you had second thoughts. Dude, make up your damn mind.
9) This car's suspension hates you.
It's called a speed hump/bump, but that doesn't mean you floor it when you see one. Quite the opposite, in fact. Right now, you're driving as if we're on an episode of Dukes of Hazzard.
10) Your trigger-happy DJ finger.
Wait, why did you change the track? That was only the second verse! I love that song! AGHHHHH!
Your irate (but still grateful) passenger.