DISCLAIMER: This article is satire, and what you read here should not be treated as facts. Its contents are mere exaggeration and sarcasm.
McLaren has made an iron-clad commitment to treat both of its drivers equally in the final race of the season by throwing all of its weight behind Max Verstappen instead.
Both Lando Norris and Oscar Piastri could be crowned world champion for the first time on Sunday, but the team has decided the only way it can maintain harmony in the garage is by making sure they leave Abu Dhabi equally devastated.
So it will do everything in its power to ensure Verstappen completes his stunning and historically unprecedented championship comeback, even if that means comical acts of self-sabotage like not pitting under a safety car when it’s the obvious thing to do or running its skid-blocks so low they make a scraping noise like a T-Rex with a rusty jaw.
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And even if McLaren locks out the front row in qualifying, the team has mapped out several routes to title implosion, including a race-ruining eight-stop strategy, running exclusively on intermediates from lights to flag, and—as a last resort—using spares from Alpine.
“The Papaya Rules were carved into a stone tablet in ancient Woking millennia ago,” said an insider, “and are not—I repeat, not—just the words ‘don’t crash’ pinned to the top of the team group chat.
“Anyway, they clearly state that in the event two teammates can win the title at the final race of the season, the only fair outcome is that a third party triumphs and both of their dreams are crushed in a feat of mutually beneficial heartbreak.
“We did it in 2007, and we’ll do it again.”
NOTE: This article first appeared on TopGear.com. Minor edits have been made.
