DISCLAIMER: This article is satire, and what you read here should not be treated as facts. Its contents are mere exaggeration and sarcasm.
Desperate times, indeed, call for desperate measures. Fuel prices are going up beyond insane levels, so here are five equally insane ways to save fuel. Be warned, these aren’t for the faint of heart—only for the bravely economical.
1) Mix water with your gas to make it last longer
Similar to how you can make liquid soap last longer by diluting it with water, you can mix water with your fuel to get extra kilometers from your full tank of gas. Simply add one liter of water per one liter of fuel, and you’ll be getting a full tank’s worth of range for half the price.
2) Remove your spare tire for weight savings
Your spare tire, jack, and tools are made of metal that add extra weight to your car. Leaving them at home for when you actually need them gives you weight savings that can drastically improve your fuel efficiency. While you’re at it, you can also drain your wiper fluid and coolant—your car will be too lightweight to overheat anyway.
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3) Avoid carpooling
Every person who rides in your car only adds to your overall weight. Keep the passenger seats empty—or remove them entirely, like a track car—for maximum weight savings. If you absolutely must carpool, make sure you charge all your passengers for a full tank of gas.
4) Fast before driving
Don’t eat or drink anything for 12 hours before driving. This makes sure you don’t carry any extra weight in your body that could affect your fuel economy. For the same reasons, make sure to use the restroom before you head out.
5) Slipstream behind extra-large vehicles
Buses and trucks have a large surface area that punches a hole through the air. You can take advantage of this by driving closely behind these vehicles for less air resistance. For added savings, you can also tailgate behind a bus or a truck in toll booths for free expressway use.
6) Set your tire pressure to 60psi
Tires are what connect your car to the road. Most tires are set to around 30psi, but what most people don’t know is that you can actually inflate your tires to 60psi for half the rolling resistance. If you have access to helium, you can also fill your tires with that for added ‘lift assist.’
7) Turn off your engine when going downhill
When going downhill, you can put your car into neutral to take advantage of momentum, but that still uses up fuel. To step it up a notch, after putting your car in neutral, turn off the engine. This allows you to coast downhill while using zero fuel at all. It’s simple physics, really.
8) Push your car in heavy traffic
When traffic is moving at a crawling speed, you can put your car in neutral, turn off the engine, step out, and push. This keeps you moving with the flow of traffic while saving you fuel for when cars speed up again. You’ll get a good workout while flexing your fuel-saving gains as well.
Bonus tip: Fold your mirrors on expressways for aerodynamics
When travelling at highway speeds, fold your mirrors in for an aerodynamic advantage. Supercars have active aero for this exact reason. But you don’t need to be filthy rich to use similar techniques, you just have to be smart.
REMINDER: This article is satire, and all of these tips are incorrect and should not be followed.
