Max Verstappen
Points: 277
Top Gear rating: A
Max made an excellent start to the term, winning consistently even when peers started to get equipment that was as good as his. His usual high standards have slipped very slightly in recent weeks (playground altercations with Lando and Lewis were frowned upon), but he’s easily on course to top the class again. Despite Uncle Adrian unexpectedly leaving the family group chat.
Lando Norris
Points: 199
Top Gear rating: A-
Lando has shown flashes of potential over the years, and he finally seems to be delivering on it. He’s still prone to the occasional error, but circumstances at home (bad strategy calls and a tendency to be aggressively hard on himself) haven’t aided his progress. Will come good with more practice. Also won a gold star on the class trip to Hungary after showing he could share nicely with Oscar.
Charles Leclerc
Points: 177
Top Gear rating: B+
Charles is a popular boy who consistently delivers, and everyone was pleased to see him win his home race back in May. However, it’s a pity his parents still frequently send him to school on the wrong tires. The local social services officer has been made aware.
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Oscar Piastri
Points: 167
Top Gear rating: B+
Oscar has made great strides this term, winning a grand prix for the first time despite having vastly less experience than some of the older boys. His calm demeanor makes him a joy to work with, though his stamina clearly needs improving. Extra tuition with the school’s in-house tire expert is recommended. A future candidate for Head Boy.
Carlos Sainz Jr.
Points: 162
Top Gear rating: B
Carlos has had two major setbacks this year, having been told that Lewis had called dibs on his favorite red chair for 2025 and then that his appendix was hours away from exploding. Luckily, a visit to the hospital wing set him right, and he bounced back immediately to win in Australia. Steady if unspectacular results since then, though we’re pleased that Mr. Vowles has promised him a new uniform for next year.
Lewis Hamilton
Points: 150
Top Gear rating: A-
Lewis looked demotivated at the start of term as George frequently outperformed him in exams, but improvements to their equipment have completely turned the tables: After a gap of more than 2.5 years, Lewis is now winning again and looks far happier than when he was literally bouncing his way to P9. In any case, needs to stop writing #blessed on all his notebooks.
Sergio Perez
Points: 131
Top Gear rating: D
Sergio has the unenviable job of being compared to the fastest boy in the school every week, but this does not excuse his string of poor results this term. He has been assured with a new contract and threatened with expulsion, but neither the carrot nor the stick appears to have had any effect. It remains to be seen if he’ll attend school again after the summer break.
George Russell
Points: 116
Top Gear rating: A-
George has enjoyed a very good start to 2024, although the teachers do wonder how one boy can take such extremes in fortune: By his own admission, he lucked into victory in Austria when Max and Lando had fisticuffs by the bike shed, but he was denied a memorable win in Belgium after using too much of the rubber on the end of his pencil. How he still has fewer points than Sergio is the subject of much debate in the staff coffee room.
Fernando Alonso
Points: 49
Top Gear rating: B-
Fernando was in fine form for the first six events of 2024, but since then, his demeanor has declined and we are beginning to see signs of frustration reminiscent of his time at the McLaren-Honda Academy of Inexellence. He has been politely asked to get on with it and stop grumbling about everyone else’s top-speed advantage.
Lance Stroll
Points: 24
Top Gear rating: C+
Lance has exceeded the school’s expectations this year, although that is more a reflection of the school’s expectations than his ability. With Fernando struggling for motivation, Lance has shown himself to be a competent performer, though it would be helpful for his development if his father didn’t fill his head with unachievable dreams.
Nico Hulkenberg
Points: 22
Top Gear rating: B+
We’ve been very impressed with Nico this term, although we dare say the departure of Mr. Steiner (and his, er, colorful use of the English language) may have something to do with it. Nico has scored a lot of points in 2024 and will enroll in the Audi School of Very Fast Tailgating next year—a tremendous achievement for a pupil who dropped out some years ago.
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Yuki Tsunoda
Points: 22
Top Gear rating: C+
Yuki is clearly very disappointed not to have been given the chance to play with Sergio’s toys, and the fact that Mr. and Mrs. Lawson’s boy Liam was seen testing them at Silverstone recently has done his confidence no favors. That said, he clearly believes he deserves the chance ahead of his more renowned and smilier teammate. The fact that he has frequently outscored Daniel supports this.
Daniel Ricciardo
Points: 12
Top Gear rating: C
Daniel is a star pupil fallen on hard times, and despite everyone’s best efforts to help him rediscover his former talents, it may be expecting too much of him to reach old heights. He still has plenty to offer and everyone (bar Yuki) is rooting for him, although it has been suggested that he take Media Studies after school hours in preparation for a career doing podium interviews. So-called ‘Shoey’ demonstrations are no way to make a living.
Oliver Bearman
Points: 6
Top Gear rating: n/a
Oliver only joined the class for two days while Carlos was poorly, but in that time, he made an enormous impression, scoring points in one of the most physically demanding events on the calendar having had no time to revise beforehand. We’re pleased he has earned a place at the nearby Haas Prep for 2025, and some of the other students would do well to realize they still trail him in the achievement rankings even though he’s only attended once.
Pierre Gasly
Points: 6
Top Gear rating: C
It’s been difficult to assess Pierre’s work this term given the overwhelmingly deficient tools at his disposal, and he might have more to show for his efforts if Esteban hadn’t run into him during the geography trip to the seaside town of Monaco. But he’s done enough to guarantee his place for another couple of years, at least, and we know what he’s capable of when he has the machinery. Might benefit enormously if Mr. Wolff agrees to sell his engines to Mr. de Meo as has been rumored in the school paper.
Kevin Magnussen
Points: 5
Top Gear rating: C
Sadly, it looks like Kevin will be leaving us at the end of the year, but he can look back on 2024 with immense pride. The way he deliberately got in the way of the other boys to help out Nico on several occasions this year was admirable, even if the way he did it wasn’t technically in the spirit of the rules. Though we couldn’t tell him at the time for obvious disciplinary reasons, the teachers laughed like drains when he told Nico to, er, go away some years ago. Good luck, Kevin.
Esteban Ocon
Points: 5
Top Gear rating: C
Like Pierre, Esteban’s results so far are difficult to assess, though his ability to crash into and fall out with his teammates has caused rancor with the leadership team. Again. As such, Esteban will be moving to another schoolhouse next year, where we hope he will shake off his capacity to endanger his own interests. Nonetheless, there’s real talent there and we remain optimistic that he can fulfil it.
Alexander Albon
Points: 4
Top Gear rating: B+
Alex has shown yet more excellence in 2024, frequently competing for points when he has no real right to. There was minor embarrassment in Melbourne when he broke his car and was immediately given use of Logan’s, but the school isn’t averse to dishing out harsh lessons, and if you don’t want to be ejected from your seat, don’t come 17th every week. And yes, this will be rephrased when the inspectors come to do their annual assessment.
Zhou Guanyu
Points: 0
Top Gear rating: D+
Sadly, Zhou has precious little to show for 2024, although he isn’t entirely to blame for consistently finishing at the back of the field. We have written a strongly worded letter to his parents explaining that his pit stops really ought to be completed in a timely fashion if he’s to stand any chance of delivering any meaningful results. We hope he turns things around, but he’ll need to do something remarkable to keep his place at this point.
Logan Sargeant
Points: 0
Top Gear rating: E
Everyone likes Logan: the staff like Logan, the pupils like Logan—heck, even the mean old head of facilities who may or may not have done time for a petty crime back in the ’80s likes Logan. But unfortunately, nobody wants Logan, largely because he refuses to venture out of the Q1 Corner of the classroom. A career in endurance racing and/or punditry beckons. Not that there’s any shame in that. He just won’t have his photo on our Wall of Notable Alumni.
Valtteri Bottas
Points: 0
Top Gear rating: C-
Oh dear, oh dear. Equally as hobbled performance-wise as Zhou, Valtteri is bottom of the class, but he gets a marginally higher grade than his teammate on account of his test results generally being better. He is one of several boys facing expulsion at the end of the academic year, and it has been made clear to him that his haircut falls foul of nine separate school policies. Regrettably, this has made him immensely popular among his peers and a magnet for viral ad campaigns.
NOTE: This article first appeared on TopGear.com. Minor edits have been made.
